Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Respecting the Process

My tattooed angel gives me a hug, his aftershave making me feel safe
and always giving me the strength to make it through the day
"Sweetie are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
Hartley chuckles. "You're a liar."
He knows. He's watched me shrink, stable out, shrink againWorry over countless restaurant tables with only a glass of water in front of me.
Always watching, standing behind me, in case I fall. Giving me silent signals that things will be okay.
His physical scars shine, while my emotional ones are revealed.
"I'm stuck on two paths. One life, and one death. Right now, I'm closer to death." I whisper.
For the first time, fear in his voice.
"What are you doing?" He's suspected it, I confirm it. He is silent.
"Well, you can't go out and be a social puker. Just as I can't go out and be a social drinker. I'd drink myself to death. I've watched you for months, lost and hurt and feeling like no one understands."He holds back tears. The stars and clouds are holding their breath.
"I need you to know that you're not alone."
He gives me another hug, and a different kind of acid rushes up my throat.

Rachel comes over and holds me, her hand brushing my hair away from my face.
She starts praying, whispering in my ear. AnDrew and Hartley, surrounding us . "I want to fight with you. I want to fight for you, when you can't do this, I want to fight.
We want to fight."
I am so weak. I give in, the tears flow and these angels hold me tight.
"I'm not going to be your boss anymore." I look up in shock.
"That means we can get tea, go on walks, hang out.
That means I can teach you how to eat."
I cry harder. I know right then, they aren't going to let me die.

Opening up. Begining to trust. Letting them hold me. Being honest.
Respecting the process. Fighting through rough waters. Keeping my head above.
A week passes.
Random phone calls that three people lie through, just to see how I am close to midnight.
"It's Rachel. Josiah told AnDrew who told me that I needed to call you, is everything okay?"
I used to pray to God, to send me an angel.
To help me out of this self created hell.
He has sent them just in time
as the harsh reality of the last five years, are realized
and are taking their toll on my nineteen year old body.

Something is breaking, years of chains and addiction
coming off of these hollow bones
I've been submersed in an ocean of several things
of light, of hope, of love, of wind,
of people fighting for and with me
reminding me of the hope I thought I'd lost.
The darkness that clung to my frame
is being replaced with a new days light
my wings slowly begin to grow
as I take back the life that is rightfully mine
and with a small smile on my pale face
I'm ready for my life to begin

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